The SAFE Foundation: WHEN WE TAME WITH SHAME

WHEN WE TAME WITH SHAME

”Stop acting like a baby!” “Little girls don’t do that.” “Toughen up!” “Why can’t you be like him?” “You are so spoiled.” “You’re just lazy.” “Grow up!” “I thought you were better than that.”

Caring for children and raising teens can be overwhelming and challenging. Often, patience wears thin and parents grasp at whatever techniques work to get the other person to comply: But shaming someone into compliance is never a good idea.

Identities are partially shaped by what we hear about ourselves. Negative messages from a parent, teacher, sibling, or peer can make a child feel inherently bad and diminished. As a result, the child may become violent, reluctant to express himself, fear being exposed, and withdraw from relationships. Gershen Kaufman asserts in his book, The Psychology of Shame that there is a link between shaming and phobias, eating disorders and addictive disorders.

Dr. Paul Eckman, from the University of California, says that humans have yet to evolve a facial expression that clearly communicates feeling shame. This may be why some of us wonder, “Wherever did this bad behavior come from? What is wrong with my child?” We never saw a clear indication that they were hurting.

While it is certainly appropriate that children regard parents with awe and respect, is imposing fear a healthy way to get children to behave?

Associate Clinical Supervisor at The SAFE Foundation, Robin Shaoul, LCSW, states, “Children require clear rules and consequences to help them make decisions. By experiencing repercussions in a consistent way, they understand that if they choose to make an unhealthy decision and disregard their parents, they are also choosing to experience the results of their decisions. Fear of appropriate negative ramifications can go a long way in helping children make healthy choices.”

At the same time, however, certain forms of fear can be harmful to a child. Wendy Lauber, LCSW-R, Family Therapist at The SAFE Foundation, says, “It’s natural for a child to worry that he does not disappoint his parents. However, it’s important for him to know that he is loved and that it is his actions that are being encouraged or discouraged. If a child feels that he’s loved unconditionally, he’ll likely be open to learning better behavior. In general, we should guard against having children feel ashamed, guilty, or anxious. The emphasis should be on understanding and improving.”

Educator John Holt claims that when we make a child very afraid, we stop learning dead in its tracks. He says that children can become preoccupied with anger and fantasies of revenge, and thereby distracted from learning more effective methods of problem-solving.

Project SAFE teacher Yossi Sirote says, “If you raise a child with fear, he may feel squashed and helpless. If that happens, he may search for empowerment in unhealthy ways, one of which is bullying.

“While it’s important to set guidelines and consequences for bad behavior, we should also educate children about the natural consequences of their actions. It is not the ideal for someone to make decisions solely to avoid punishment, for this may lead to making choices that are not necessarily the most appropriate or safest in each circumstance. We don’t want them to just do or not do something just because ‘I said so.’ We want children to understand why certain behaviors are undesirable.”

Yossi continued, “People feel truly good and confident when they are in control and are making good choices. That’s why we want to educate our children to have the right information and to exercise good, healthy decision-making. This is a much better parenting avenue than scaring our kids into line.”

The SAFE Foundation

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Thursday, January 3, 2013

WHEN WE TAME WITH SHAME

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