You’ve
likely heard the terms enabling and enabler, but may not fully understand
the meaning of these terms. While you may hear the words used in other contexts,
they are most often used when speaking of one’s relationship with someone who
is battling an addiction. Read on to better understand.
In
short, enabling is removing the
natural consequences of a person’s behavior in an erroneous effort to protect
that person from his or her mistakes. Examples of enabling include:
· Repairing something that someone broke due to his addiction
· Lying or making excuses to cover up someone’s absenteeism
or other irresponsible behavior
· Screening phone calls
· Bailing the person out of jail
Professionals
warn against enabling because evidence has shown that one with an addiction is
most likely to change when he or she experiences the damaging consequences of
his or her addiction. Often this is when the addict “hits bottom” – a term
commonly referred to in Alcoholics Anonymous and Gamblers Anonymous.
Those
who are enablers tend to be those who often feel compelled to solve other
people’s problems. The enabler starts out with a well-intentioned desire to
help, but ends up in a situation wherein he or she, as the sober partner,
increasingly over-functions, allowing the addict to under-function. Thus, when
dealing with an addict, enablers usually suffer much of the effects of the
addict’s destructive behavior. This dynamic builds resentment on both sides and
perpetuates, rather than solves, a problem.
Enablers
are often referred to as co-dependent. This is a telling word, because a person
who is co-dependent is having his needs met as well by remaining in this role.
Firstly, his or her self-esteem is nourished by seeing him or herself as the
helpful one. Secondly, this “helping” allows him or her to feel some semblance
of control in an unmanageable situation. The reality, though, is that enabling
not only doesn’t help, but it actively causes harm and makes the situation
worse.
The
Al-Anon program suggests that we do not do for the alcoholic what he or she is
capable of doing for him or herself. However, the pressure to enable can be
intense, particularly coming from one who is suffering from an addiction and is
angry and forceful. Those who have addictions tend to know how to manipulate
people and situations to get their needs met. To complicate matters, people who
are drunk or using drugs heavily are often unaware of their actions; they may
have blackouts, and don’t remember what havoc they wrought when under the
influence.
Stopping
enabling isn’t easy, nor is it for the faint of heart. It requires great faith
and courage to stop enabling without knowing the outcome. The enabler may be afraid
the addict may have a car accident, end up in jail, or worse, die on the
streets or commit suicide. However, stopping the cycle is vital to the healing
process, as one recovered alcoholic said, “I wouldn’t be alive if my wife had
rescued me one more time.”
A version of this article was written by SAFE and previously published in Image Magazine.
This article was
researched from the following articles: http://bit.ly/1HAZHQX,
http://bit.ly/1wQwg5a, http://huff.to/1xycjVV
A version of this article was written by SAFE and previously published in Image Magazine.
No comments:
Post a Comment